No baggies = Slow Pony

Written by Sal Reynolds with an Introduction by Coach Fitz

The following article 'No Baggies= Slow Pony' is a scientific look into the world of running and how we as athletes need to consider alternate training methods if we are going to compete against the best. Her findings strongly support what I have been saying about how "hard work and a rigorous training schedule can easily be substituted by other means. For example a massive weekend out on the turps coupled with a morning after diet of walnuts and turkish delight is as effective, if not more effective than a week of altitude training". Of course I have to remain impartial, but what I can say is don't just believe what Sal is saying, go out and try it for yourselves.

Coach Fitz




( Sal and Coach Fitz enjoying some time off )


To all prudes out there, I’d like to apologise for my tardiness with this paper for your schedule Coach. I’d like to report to you my findings on the effects that abstinence from Coach Fitz’s training aids has had on running performance, in particular on the female form. This study of anti-enhancing-performance aid began 18 weeks prior to recently-mentioned half marathon - January 2. January was a tumultuous month with 10km fartleks often ending in a heart-rate reading of 373bpm. Given that the average human usually max’s out in the 200’s, this was mildly disconcerting. One of two conclusions could be drawn here: 1) half-price baggies on new years cause long-lasting hallucinations, or 2) half-price baggies on new years cause rapid expansion of arteries. The verdict on this study is still out. [NB: contributions of external findings may be directed to my laboratory.]



It was upon these fartlek findings that I decided to take the ‘no-fun-reynolds-buttocks-and-nostrils-firmly-clenched’ approach to training. I believe this abstinence from fun has extended my life expectancy in equal proportions with extending the time it takes me to run 21km. What can we deduce from Thomas’s findings combined with Slow Pony theorem? BLARING at us in similar fashion to Bass in possession of tré packets of glow sticks is that: no baggies does in fact, have sizeable negative ramifications on running performance. As the inaugural Shitfight to Surf approaches, I hear the the bright lights of Woodside and a little film canister in the freezer a’callin my name.



My next report will divulge my latest training method - an offspring to the world-famous ‘altitude training technique’ - the ‘dehydration training technique’. This technique involves spending periods of time when regular athletes would be sleeping; the DTT athlete is nocturnally expending large amounts of energy with their chosen friends - namely Roisin, Wes Carr (Lach), Taylor Swift - feeding the body any of a combination of well-known dehydrants ranging from big brown bottles of light beer to big brown bottles of essle. Endurance dehydration technique - the next fad.



A side note - speaking of fads - it was thoroughly disappointing that there were no signs of convenient Rodd & Gunn pop-up stalls along the half marathon course, as spotted recently at various sporting matches. I expect this to be rectified come August.



keep it real banana peel

yours truly, Slow Pony